Thursday, October 27, 2011

Are You Ashamed of Your God?

Ola!

Went back from Indonesia last Sunday, and really want to share the stories of my holiday, but I can’t help myself to post this story first, and holiday’s stories can wait, so… here we go!

Term ini saya ambil salah satu subject (mata kuliah) yang namanya Leadership and Strategic Thinking. Dari namanya udah ketahuan lah ya pelajarannya tentang apa, of course tentang kepemimpinan.

Nah, di akhir kelas kemarin, kita disuruh diskusi dalam kelompok kecil (4-5 orang) tentang siapa saja orang yang menurut kita adalah pahlawan atau leader kita, dan kenapa kita mengagumi orang tersebut. Dalam soal diskusinya, ada pernyataan “your heroes can be anyone from Mother Theresa to your next-door neighbor”, means orang tersebut doesn’t suppose to be known worldwide, as long as he/she has the character of a leader or hero for us.

And of course you all can guess whose name appeared first on my mind. Yup!

J-E-S-U-S.

Tapi kemudian, batin saya mulai gelisah. Right after I intended to write my Savior’s name on the paper, a bunch of questions popped up. And so did some acts of self-defense, when I knew that each group have to present their discussion’s result in front of the class. I said to myself, “Ini kan kuliah, bukan waktunya aku menginjili”, “gimana ya nanti pendapat classmates-ku tentang aku kalau aku sebut nama Yesus di depan kelas?”, “ah, aku bisa bersaksi melalui perilakuku di kampus kok, nggak harus dengan blak-blakan di depan kelas gini”, and so on, so on, and on.

So, instead of write my Savior’s name on the paper, I wrote the name of Thomas Alva Edison, Mark Zuckerberg, Larry Page and Sergey Brin (the inventors of Google). 
Instead of wrote the name of my Lord who died for me, I wrote the names of the guys who have never done anything for me. Oh yeah, Edison, Zuckerberg, Page and Brin found things that have been making my life easier, but they did not find something or did any thing that SAVED my life. Jesus… has given me salvation, and a promise of eternal life.

But it was my concern about what-my-classmates-will-think-about-me who won. My logic and considerations defeated my calling to fullfil the Great Commission. I have lost an opportunity to tell others about how much Jesus loves them, and what He has done for me, and also for them.


Meski pun pada akhirnya grup saya nggak sempat dipanggil maju ke depan untuk mempresentasikan hasil diskusi karena waktu kuliahnya keburu habis, tapi sepanjang hari setelah mata kuliah itu, saya terus diburu perasaan bersalah. No matter how I tried to remove the guilt, it kept after me. Hingga keesokan harinya, ketika saya sendirian di kamar, saya tak tahan lagi. I suddenly remembered Peter, who denied Jesus three times, and how in The Passion of The Christ, Jesus kept his eyes on Peter with compassion.

And I broke down in tears.

When I said to Jesus that I love Him, that I will not ashamed to testify about Him, He knew that I will keep on falling. He already knew that my flesh will sometimes defeat my faith. He already knew that I continuously need His grace and strength from Him, because of my inability…

And just as He looked at Peter with compassion, so I know He is also looking at me. He doesn’t say, “Fall again, huh? I’ve told you so!” and then abandons me.

No, He did not do that. Dia tahu aku tidak bisa lepas dari keberdosaan dan kelemahanku, dan karena itulah aku membutuhkan-Nya. Dia tahu aku akan seringkali terjatuh, karena itulah Ia menawarkan untuk menggenggam tanganku. Dia tahu aku tak mampu berjalan sendiri, karena itulah Ia berjalan bersamaku…

He knew it from the beginning. And He does not regret having died on the cross for someone like me, who, in some circumstances, ashamed to admit Him as my leader and my hero. Dia tak pernah menyesal, karena kasih dan anugerah pengampunan-Nya cukup untuk menutupi semua ketidakmampuanku itu.

I’m so sorry, Lord. I am a sinner, and I keep on falling. Please help me, I continuously need Your strength and grace, to testify that I am not ashamed of You. 

I am not ashamed of Your name. 



“Setiap orang yang mengakui Aku di depan manusia, Aku juga akan mengakuinya di depan Bapa-Ku yang di sorga. Tetapi barangsiapa menyangkal Aku di depan manusia, Aku juga akan menyangkalnya di depan Bapa-Ku yang di sorga." (Matius 10:32-33)

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kak Steph, aku juga kadang-kadang kayak gitu. Tapi gimana dong ya kalo di sekeliling kita itu emang bener-bener ga ada yang Kristen, kita tuh bener-bener sendiri?

Stephanie Zen said...

gpp, aku juga masih struggling kok, di singaore juga mayoritas non Kristen gitu. tetap bersaksi aja melalui perbuatan. kalau pas ada momen utk bicara, baru minta hikmat & kekuatan dari Roh Kudus utk speak up ttg Tuhan Yesus. toh kita cuma cerita, bukan maksa mereka untuk percaya, ya kan? ;)