Monday, October 27, 2014

By the Lakeside

Semua orang bilang, hidup saya baik-baik saja.

Mereka nggak tahu bahwa belakangan ini saya merasa sebagian besar hidup saya tersia-sia. Saya nggak depresi, tapi saya rasa saya sedang mengalami apa yang orang sebut sebagai quarter-life crisis, yang didefinisikan oleh Wikipedia sebagai:

A period of life usually ranging from the late teens to the early thirties, in which a person begins to feel doubtful about their own lives, brought on by the stress of becoming an adult.

Sudah beberapa minggu ini saya merasa saya seorang underachiever, belum meraih apa-apa dalam hidup saya. I know, I know, you're gonna yell jadi-udah-nerbitin-lima-belas-buku-itu-menurut-lo-bukan-pencapaian-? at me, seperti yang dilakukan beberapa teman dekat saya. Frankly speaking, itulah yang saya rasakan. Bukannya nggak bersyukur, tapi mungkin karena sudah cukup sering, melihat buku saya diterbitkan nggak lagi menjadi hal yang istimewa buat saya. Saya merasa itu sesuatu yang biasa-biasa saja.

Saya juga melihat beberapa teman saya, yang usianya notabene lebih muda dari saya, membuat pencapaian-pencapaian besar. Ikut pertukaran pelajar ke negara lain, jadi pemimpin organisasi, memulai perusahaannya sendiri, and here I am... with the emptiness inside of me.

Saya mulai berpikir, mungkin ini karena hidup saya monoton. Predictable. Basi. Nggak ada yang seru. Nggak ada yang saya kejar. So, I started to beg God, "Come on, Tuhan, masa hidup saya begini-begini doang? Umur dua-enam masih gini-gini aja? Please give me a new adventure!"

Kemarin, seperti biasa, saya ikut doa pagi di gereja. Dan, seperti biasa, saya datang dengan agak malas karena saya kerja dari Senin-Sabtu, yang bikin saya sebenarnya pengen bangun siang di hari Minggu. But I forced myself to come.



Saat saya doa, tiba-tiba saya dikasih lihat pemandangan danau yang tenang di pagi hari, dengan latar belakang pepohonan dan dataran yang hijau. I totally had no idea what lake is that and why did God show me that, tapi nggak lama kemudian ia mengingatkan saya pada kisah di Yohanes 21 ini:

21:1 Afterward Jesus appeared again to his disciples, by the Sea of Galilee. It happened this way:  
21:2 Simon Peter, Thomas (also known as Didymus ), Nathanael from Cana in Galilee, the sons of Zebedee, and two other disciples were together. 
21: 3“I’m going out to fish,” Simon Peter told them, and they said, “We’ll go with you.” So they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing. 

I caught nothing. All of these things-that-people-see-as-achievements, it's nothing. The whole night, the whole 26 years of my life I tried to fish, but I caught nothing.

21:4 Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus. 
21:5 He called out to them, “Friends, haven’t you any fish?” “No,” they answered.
21:6 He said, “Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some.” When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish.
21:7 Then the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord!”

Saya tahu, Petrus sudah jadi nelayan seumur hidupnya. Saya yakin, sebagai orang yang sudah jadi nelayan seumur hidupnya dan pergi mancing semalaman, pastilah sudah mencoba menebarkan jalanya bukan hanya di sebelah kanan perahu, tapi juga di kiri, depan, belakang, di segala sudut perahu. But he caught nothing. 

Sampai pagi tiba, dan seorang asing yang berdiri di tepi danau menyuruhnya menebarkan jala di sebelah kanan perahu. Kalau saya jadi Petrus, sudah empet semalaman nggak dapat ikan dan punya kepercayaan diri bahwa saya pasti lebih berpengalaman dibanding siapapun orang asing di tepi danau yang menyuruh-nyuruh saya itu, saya pasti nggak akan nurut. 

But Peter did. Nggak jelas apa karena dia sudah saking sebodo amatnya, sudah kehilangan harapan atau apa, but he threw his net on the right side of the boat anyway. Dan lihatlah apa yang terjadi.

In that very moment, John said, "It is the Lord!"

Itu Tuhan.

Your quarter-life, teenage-life, mid-life, love-life, family-life, working-life crisis where you caught nothing, where you've been trying to throw your net on whichever-side to catch something, but you found that your net has always been empty... 

You do not realize that it was Jesus that you're missing out. You don't need a new adventure. You don't need a new girlfriend or boyfriend. You don't need the new job, handbags, car, anything to fill the hole.

It can only be filled when you realize, "It is the Lord".

Look at me, I have published so many books, I have the best job-colleague-boss-friends-family in the whole world, I have every single thing that I need and I thought that my life was complete, but I was wrong. 

Because life without God, no matter how seemingly valuable... leads to emptiness. 

Dan yang bikin saya makin nangis bombay adalah apa yang tertulis berikutnya dalam Yohanes 21 itu. 

21:7 As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, “It is the Lord,” he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water.  
21:8 The other disciples followed in the boat, towing the net full of fish, for they were not far from shore, about a hundred yards.

  
21:9 When they landed, they saw a fire of burning coals there with fish on it, and some bread. 
21:10 Jesus said to them, “Bring some of the fish you have just caught.” 
21:11 So Simon Peter climbed back into the boat and dragged the net ashore. It was full of large fish, 153, but even with so many the net was not torn. 
21:12 Jesus said to them, “Come and have breakfast.”

Nggak terhitung berapa kali, saat saya Saat Teduh di pagi hari, saya nggak mendapatkan apapun kecuali ngantuk. Saya bosan dengan yang begitu-begitu saja, dan saat itu saya tahu, itu karena saya datang dengan hati yang biasa-biasa saja. Saya nggak mengharapkan apa-apa. Saya nggak mengharapkan berjumpa dengan Dia. I stayed on my boat, far away from shore. I, unlike Peter, did not jump into the water to see the Lord.

But still, He waited for me by the lakeside, prepared the burning coal, with fish and bread, and said, "Come and have breakfast."

"Come and have breakfast with Me. Tell me what's going on in your life. I would like to hear everything."

He's there. He's always been there, waiting for me. And yesterday morning, after such a looong time that feels like forever... I finally jumped into the water, to find Him by the lakeside, and we had breakfast together. I spent the whole morning with Him, talked to Him.

And I found my heart overflows with joy. There's no room for emptiness or feeling like an underachiever anymore. I've found the missing piece. 

It is the Lord.


PS: What amazed me even more, adalah setelah doa pagi itu saya membuka chat dari Mama yang sedang di Israel, dan Beliau bilang, "Hai sudah gereja? Mama lagi di tepi Danau Galilea."

God really knows how to speak right to your heart, yes? ;)

4 comments:

Sella said...

Hi, kak. I've always been your fan since I bought home your novels (kira-kira aku dulu masih smp dan skrg udah kuliah) time flies ryt :') dulu aku pernah baca blog you sekilas, but by coincidence, I found your blog again today. Suka deh kak sama tulisan you ttg Lord, His grace, blessings. So inspiring and very heartwarming. Keep on writing ka and produce a lot more novels in the future xx
Good luck and Jesus bless you always!

Stephanie Zen said...

Hi Sella! Wooow, thanks for being a loyal reader. Indeed, time flies! Ya, I am really glad that I can share about His greatness and what He has done in my life, hopefully it can bless others! God bless you too!

emmy nuban said...

halo kakak,,aku baru tau kalo ini blok kakak, trus aku senang banget baca tulisan tulisan kakak di blog ini, baru tau juga kakak tenyata penulis yang aku sering baca novelnya,,yaampun, telat banget ya kak? -_- tapi aku senang banget sama novel2 kakak,,itu jadi teman saat ga bisa tidur waktu malam.. jangan bosan-bosan nulis ya kakak :) semoga selalu sukses, Tuhan Yesus berkati :)

Stephanie Zen said...

Thank you, Emmy! God bless you too!